Interesting video.

http://www.breitbart.tv/abortion-activist-women-have-abortions-because-they-care-about-motherhood/

"Women have abortions because they care about motherhood."

My Little One.

I sort of feel like an idiot after that last blog. Karma kicked me in the ass.

Yesterday, there was a very good chance that I had a miscarriage.

I am just as surprised as you are.

Yes, I am on birth control.

The more I think about it being a possibility the more it seems to be true.

I had all the symptoms and I thought it was because I had started taking birth control again this month. But something was different and I felt it, and in the back of my mind I knew that.

I started my period on Monday, a week earlier than normal. It was heavy and I had severe cramping all week...much more so than in usual months when I am on b/c. Yesterday, I changed my tampon and found this membrane on the toilet. I, the anatomist I am, was super intrigued and I picked it up and checked it out (I know, I am gross). Then I realized it was not a clot because it was huge, for one; and two it looked just like placental tissue. It was membranous, vascular, and shiny. It looked just like the stuff that was wrapped around my cat when she was born in my closet. I got so freaked out, I threw it down the toilet and flushed it away.

FYI: NEVER DO THAT. Always bring in tissue samples when you go to the doctor. Me, the pre-nursing major, couldn't even remember that.

I went to the doctor and they said that it was more than likely I had an early pregnancy spontaneous abortion. I took a urine test and did not come up positive, which means that I probably passed everything. This is good because anything left inside can cause infection. This also means that it may have not have been a pregnancy, but something more dangerous. Its so abstract that I wont even mention it.

This how I felt:
1) My NuvaRing was expired and I didn't realize it until a week after I put it in. I contacted my provider and they suggested it would still be safe to use until the end of the cycle. It probably wasn't safe to use.
2) I was off b/c for 2-3 months prior to this month. I had a very light period during that time. They really weren't even "real" periods.
3) I had breast tenderness for 2-3 weeks and they grew so much that I couldn't wear my normal bras anymore. I usually have breast tenderness before I menstruate, but this was different. This wasn't even tenderness, this was painful.
4) I have been ravenously hungry.
5) I have been bloated and my lower abs felt "full" for the past few weeks. I thought it was because of the hormones.
6) I broke out (pimples) like crazy 2-3 weeks ago. I have never had so many blemishes on my face. I thought it was because of the b/c. It was a major change.
7) I've been more tired than usual.

All these signs point to it, so I am going to assume that's what it was. My flow is much lighter today, which is also ruling out the dangerous factor. More than likely, I miscarried.

Even though I didn't plan this and I didn't want to keep it, I still found myself incredibly sad last night. I still felt grief and sorrow that my body had created a life and for whatever reason decided it wasn't time. I am very happy to not be pregnant, but a part of me is also sad because I want to be a mother eventually. I hope this problem is not permanent.

I have much more sympathy for women out there. If I ended up being pregnant, I still would have had an abortion, but thinking about it doesn't seem like its such an easy decision anymore. I was naive to think it was. It wouldn't be something to take lightheartedly. I now understand why some women could hesitate during a decision with an unplanned pregnancy. It takes a lot of courage and strength.

I don't get it!!!!!

Seriously...STOP HAVING BABIES! Don't get me wrong. I love babies. I want to be a freaking midwife for goodness sake...but when you get pregnant and you are emotionally or financially unstable, you should NOT BE HAVING CHILDREN! You should not expect that state or your parents to pay for the mistake you made by not using birth control or having protection. You are responsible for bringing another human being into this life and that is YOUR responsibility. YOU made the decisions to lead you down this road.

For instance: a girl had already had 2 abortions. She gets pregnant AGAIN. But she has no idea if it belongs to this guy or that guy. Now she wants to keep it because she's already had two abortions. Do YOU think this woman should be a mother? If she can't keep track the father, nevermind the birth control, do you think she should be responsible for another human life? Let me tell you, if you are pro-life and don't believe in abortion...you must understand that some women are going to screw up this kid's life anyway. Especially if she is NOT READY!!!!!!

I am sorry to complain about this so much but I just don't get it. It's not about age (despite the fact that SOOOO many of my classmates have already had children). It's about where you are in life. What are YOUR goals? Have you completed your own life? Because as soon as you become pregnant, YOUR life is over. THEIR life is beginning and your priorities must change. Not many people realize this and when their child is crying and needy, you get frustrated and upset. Being a mother (or father) is a COMPLETELY self-less task.

I went through the same sex education as you and I remember these ideals. This is for YOUR well-being as well as your baby's. Next time you have sex, take 1 millisecond at least to think about these things.

And on another note: STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES! This is the nastiest, filthiest habit in the whole world. It does NOTHING GOOD for you and WILL (and I mean it WILL) kill you! If you know someone who smoked for 30 years and died of something not smoking related, that's only because it got to it before smoking did. Don't be a disappointment to yourself when you're older. Don't be a disappointment to your kids.

WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE KNOW THIS STUFF?!!!!!

Such is life...

Bah, I just can't shake it. I've been able to stop thinking and stop picturing and move on, but its the instant I SEE something and it all falls apart.

Blast you, social networking!

In other news, since I haven't written any on myself and what I should actually care about:
1) I am SOOOOO in love with Seher! We rehears every Tuesday and those girls are so wonderful, and patient and helpful and so nice! I couldn't have asked for anything better. I cannot WAIT to perform with them!
2) My good friend Julian finally got me and Joey down to LA to visit him this past weekend. He's been inviting me down for I don't know how long, but we finally went! I have a blast...it was like a little mini-vacation. And it was pretty cool meeting his family. Great family and so down to earth. They love the crap out of him and its so nice to see a family with so much love and functionality. Well, sort of. His Dad is a pretty famous guitarist and works very long hours in his studio...so its somewhat normal.
3) I met with a counselor and have my nursing schools all picked out! I figured out my GPA for both LTCC and SBCC (3.72, by the way!) and really am hoping to get in SOMEWHERE! I seriously want to die from these applications though. Its so competitive and grueling. I feel like its a shot in the dark.
4) Knitting? What's knitting? It's been so long...I have forgotten.
5) Me = Homesick
6) Sometimes, I want to lock myself in my apartment all alone and watch my childhood favorite movies all day long and don't get dressed or out of bed.
7) I hear an owl outside my window. First time I have ever heard a real owl.
8) I admitted to my EMT lecture hall that I wished I had smoked pot before class. Yup. Classy.
9) I have a hard time finding a time to eat throughout the day.
10) I have a 92% in math. Lucifer needs to put on some ice-skates.
11) Now tutoring 16/week.

That is all. I am beginning to ramble.

Double frick.

It's 'Facebook Official' now.

Double frick!

At least I have my thoughts to comfort me. It helps if I make up lies and violent scenarios.

All I can say is that I am REALLY excited to have this situation leave town. Or vice versa. Whichever happens first will be awesome.