When will I?

If there is one thing life is trying to teach me, it's to shut the hell up and mind my own business. No matter who it is.

I keep fighting this lesson to be learned. I want to help and change so many lives and help people learn from their mistakes. All it does is get me in trouble every godamn time. Then I get angry from frustration because everything is out of my control and I cannot DO anything!

Life throws this scenario at me the most. Second is irony, which has a lot of relation with the first.

When will I learn to let go and live my own life without the burdens of everyone else?

Did you know this?

If you smoke when you're pregnant and/or when you breast feed:
- THC (and its metabolites) does cross the placenta
- your baby will have a higher chance of SIDS
- you will have a higher risk of miscarriage
- your baby will be at risk to have a slower reaction time and a delay in cognitive development
- your baby will be at risk of developing nervous system disorders
- carbon monoxide (found in cigarette AND marijuana smoke) increases your baby's risk of birth defects and your risk of having a still born (among MANY other things)


Despite what YOU may read, there is still a correlation in some studies. Regardless of the risk, my question to women out there is: Why would you even take the risk?


I am baffled by some people's decisions. But, I suppose that's why I am me and they are them.

I love you.

Even though she hates me, I feel at peace with myself for saying what I said. Someone had to say something and now I look like the bad guy because I am the only one who chose to do so. It may take a while for her to realize is was out of love and care, but either way, I am glad I said it. Even if I am the only one being real to her face. Many others think like me, but for whatever reason do not speak up.

Besides, I would have been a bad person had I not expressed my concern. I regret not saying it before to someone else and I will not do it again. It haunts me every day. At least now, I feel I can sleep at night.

One day, she will remember what I said. She can banish me from her life all she wants but I will always be waiting because I know she is going to need my help someday.

I love you and I wish you strength, open-mindedness, and courage through this time of your life.

Old shit.

There are a large majority of people who really need to re-revaluate their priorities and grow up. Some things are just so completely unnecessary and such a waste of energy. I wish there were a value-ometer just to show how much effort you should spend on something.

Seriously, age means nothing to me. Years can never be measured the same for any two people. It takes maturity to realize this.

My life is hectic. I am dealing with so much on my plate right now between applying for colleges, tutoring, grading tests, studying, dancing and rehearsing that I don't have time for myself, let alone drama. It's ironic how when you least expect it, drama rolls around the corner. It's ridiculous because, as in my case, it isn't caused by "talking behind someone's back" but rather, not speaking at all. I wonder if someone has come up with a "nicer" way to say, "Let's pretend you don't exist to me and I don't exist to you"? No luck? Figured.

I love Santa Barbara, but sometimes, it reminds me just like Tahoe. Word travels fast through crooked mouths and you can't go to a party without running into some type of drama. I think it's time to make new friends and experience personalities and lives outside of the typical and predictable. This is getting old.

Interesting video.

http://www.breitbart.tv/abortion-activist-women-have-abortions-because-they-care-about-motherhood/

"Women have abortions because they care about motherhood."

My Little One.

I sort of feel like an idiot after that last blog. Karma kicked me in the ass.

Yesterday, there was a very good chance that I had a miscarriage.

I am just as surprised as you are.

Yes, I am on birth control.

The more I think about it being a possibility the more it seems to be true.

I had all the symptoms and I thought it was because I had started taking birth control again this month. But something was different and I felt it, and in the back of my mind I knew that.

I started my period on Monday, a week earlier than normal. It was heavy and I had severe cramping all week...much more so than in usual months when I am on b/c. Yesterday, I changed my tampon and found this membrane on the toilet. I, the anatomist I am, was super intrigued and I picked it up and checked it out (I know, I am gross). Then I realized it was not a clot because it was huge, for one; and two it looked just like placental tissue. It was membranous, vascular, and shiny. It looked just like the stuff that was wrapped around my cat when she was born in my closet. I got so freaked out, I threw it down the toilet and flushed it away.

FYI: NEVER DO THAT. Always bring in tissue samples when you go to the doctor. Me, the pre-nursing major, couldn't even remember that.

I went to the doctor and they said that it was more than likely I had an early pregnancy spontaneous abortion. I took a urine test and did not come up positive, which means that I probably passed everything. This is good because anything left inside can cause infection. This also means that it may have not have been a pregnancy, but something more dangerous. Its so abstract that I wont even mention it.

This how I felt:
1) My NuvaRing was expired and I didn't realize it until a week after I put it in. I contacted my provider and they suggested it would still be safe to use until the end of the cycle. It probably wasn't safe to use.
2) I was off b/c for 2-3 months prior to this month. I had a very light period during that time. They really weren't even "real" periods.
3) I had breast tenderness for 2-3 weeks and they grew so much that I couldn't wear my normal bras anymore. I usually have breast tenderness before I menstruate, but this was different. This wasn't even tenderness, this was painful.
4) I have been ravenously hungry.
5) I have been bloated and my lower abs felt "full" for the past few weeks. I thought it was because of the hormones.
6) I broke out (pimples) like crazy 2-3 weeks ago. I have never had so many blemishes on my face. I thought it was because of the b/c. It was a major change.
7) I've been more tired than usual.

All these signs point to it, so I am going to assume that's what it was. My flow is much lighter today, which is also ruling out the dangerous factor. More than likely, I miscarried.

Even though I didn't plan this and I didn't want to keep it, I still found myself incredibly sad last night. I still felt grief and sorrow that my body had created a life and for whatever reason decided it wasn't time. I am very happy to not be pregnant, but a part of me is also sad because I want to be a mother eventually. I hope this problem is not permanent.

I have much more sympathy for women out there. If I ended up being pregnant, I still would have had an abortion, but thinking about it doesn't seem like its such an easy decision anymore. I was naive to think it was. It wouldn't be something to take lightheartedly. I now understand why some women could hesitate during a decision with an unplanned pregnancy. It takes a lot of courage and strength.

I don't get it!!!!!

Seriously...STOP HAVING BABIES! Don't get me wrong. I love babies. I want to be a freaking midwife for goodness sake...but when you get pregnant and you are emotionally or financially unstable, you should NOT BE HAVING CHILDREN! You should not expect that state or your parents to pay for the mistake you made by not using birth control or having protection. You are responsible for bringing another human being into this life and that is YOUR responsibility. YOU made the decisions to lead you down this road.

For instance: a girl had already had 2 abortions. She gets pregnant AGAIN. But she has no idea if it belongs to this guy or that guy. Now she wants to keep it because she's already had two abortions. Do YOU think this woman should be a mother? If she can't keep track the father, nevermind the birth control, do you think she should be responsible for another human life? Let me tell you, if you are pro-life and don't believe in abortion...you must understand that some women are going to screw up this kid's life anyway. Especially if she is NOT READY!!!!!!

I am sorry to complain about this so much but I just don't get it. It's not about age (despite the fact that SOOOO many of my classmates have already had children). It's about where you are in life. What are YOUR goals? Have you completed your own life? Because as soon as you become pregnant, YOUR life is over. THEIR life is beginning and your priorities must change. Not many people realize this and when their child is crying and needy, you get frustrated and upset. Being a mother (or father) is a COMPLETELY self-less task.

I went through the same sex education as you and I remember these ideals. This is for YOUR well-being as well as your baby's. Next time you have sex, take 1 millisecond at least to think about these things.

And on another note: STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES! This is the nastiest, filthiest habit in the whole world. It does NOTHING GOOD for you and WILL (and I mean it WILL) kill you! If you know someone who smoked for 30 years and died of something not smoking related, that's only because it got to it before smoking did. Don't be a disappointment to yourself when you're older. Don't be a disappointment to your kids.

WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE KNOW THIS STUFF?!!!!!

Such is life...

Bah, I just can't shake it. I've been able to stop thinking and stop picturing and move on, but its the instant I SEE something and it all falls apart.

Blast you, social networking!

In other news, since I haven't written any on myself and what I should actually care about:
1) I am SOOOOO in love with Seher! We rehears every Tuesday and those girls are so wonderful, and patient and helpful and so nice! I couldn't have asked for anything better. I cannot WAIT to perform with them!
2) My good friend Julian finally got me and Joey down to LA to visit him this past weekend. He's been inviting me down for I don't know how long, but we finally went! I have a blast...it was like a little mini-vacation. And it was pretty cool meeting his family. Great family and so down to earth. They love the crap out of him and its so nice to see a family with so much love and functionality. Well, sort of. His Dad is a pretty famous guitarist and works very long hours in his studio...so its somewhat normal.
3) I met with a counselor and have my nursing schools all picked out! I figured out my GPA for both LTCC and SBCC (3.72, by the way!) and really am hoping to get in SOMEWHERE! I seriously want to die from these applications though. Its so competitive and grueling. I feel like its a shot in the dark.
4) Knitting? What's knitting? It's been so long...I have forgotten.
5) Me = Homesick
6) Sometimes, I want to lock myself in my apartment all alone and watch my childhood favorite movies all day long and don't get dressed or out of bed.
7) I hear an owl outside my window. First time I have ever heard a real owl.
8) I admitted to my EMT lecture hall that I wished I had smoked pot before class. Yup. Classy.
9) I have a hard time finding a time to eat throughout the day.
10) I have a 92% in math. Lucifer needs to put on some ice-skates.
11) Now tutoring 16/week.

That is all. I am beginning to ramble.

Double frick.

It's 'Facebook Official' now.

Double frick!

At least I have my thoughts to comfort me. It helps if I make up lies and violent scenarios.

All I can say is that I am REALLY excited to have this situation leave town. Or vice versa. Whichever happens first will be awesome.

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'm still waiting for my godamn dessert.

Meanwhile, I've been served a giant plate of college applications mixed with a smattering of nursing school applications. I swear, if this freaking applications process will kill me way before the prerequisites and the program ever will!

The more I find out, the more I feel like crap and more time I feel like I have wasted. I also feel like a loser because my grades aren't THAT awesome. I am so nervous...so scared! How am I ever going to be able to afford this? How am I ever going to be able to get the energy? I just have the biggest feeling that something HUGE is going to go wrong and everything will end up blowing up in my face like it always does!

I AM SO FREAKING STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! And my parents don't even care!!!!!! I am totally alone!!!!! :(

Ha..haaaaaaah.

Life has a funny way of working out whatever is least expected.

So funny, that you want to pop head like a pimple! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If Facebook didn't exist, it would have been a LOOOOONG time before I even found out. Argh. Effing Facebook.

Oh, and P.S. I am transferring to CSUCI next year. Yay!

And P.P.S. I just became part of Seher, the UCSB belly dance company!

Other than that...life has been a plate full of bad food.

Meh.

What the eff, mate?

Good news: My apathy went away.
Bad news: My emotion is invested in the wrong person.

This, ladies and gentlemen, would be called a pickle.

FUDGE! :(

Apathy.

My apathy scares me more than anything.

Me to myself: "Heeeelllllo!!!! Is anyone in there?"

The lights are on. Nobody seems to be home.

Seven things that drive me insane...

This is my 'things I want to complain about' blog...

1) Here's a really easy way to get on my bad side: flake out on me last minute. I have ZERO tolerance for these kinds of people. I have probably 2 people who flake on me who I consider friends, but that's only because they have redeemed themselves on an unreachable level. If you flake out on my last minute with no warning, expect to become very distant from me. I don't like it. I don't appreciate it. And I sure as hell give as much notice as I can if I ever have to "flake out."

2) You smokers stink up my whole learning environment and I think its the RUDEST thing ever! You smell soooooooo bad! Its so freaking distracting. There seriously should be a "smoking" section of a classroom or lecture hall because ya'll don't realize how your stink spreads. It's fucking disgusting.

3) Pull your head out of your perfumed ass and realize that you're not going anywhere in life when you act like that. I don't sympathize with you. Swallow the tear, grow a pair and take responsibility for you actions.

4) It's called STUDYING for a reason. Stfu and do it already!

5) If you want to be in the medical profession and you can't understand how vital Medical Terminology is for your career, you are going to get EATEN ALIVE!

6) COMPLETE disregard for the plans we had! I know I am across the country, but when you make plans to skype me, you either keep them or you tell me BEFORE our meeting time...NOT AT OUR MEETING TIME, WHEN I HAVE SAT DOWN AND LOGGED IN WAITING FOR YOU. I'm taking the time to stick to the plans because I want to see you and I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING BLOWN OFF.

7) DON'T BLOW ME OFF!

Obviously, I'm upset.

Fear.

This summer has been good for me. I've been through a lot of ups and downs, all with the perspective of myself. It's appropriate that I started off my days reading a book titled "The Last Time I Was Me." I always have much more personal growth in the summer, something I think I can blame on my firey Sagittarian birth day.

One theme of the whole summer has been my ability to feel comfortable alone. This was ultimately the loneliest summer in Honey History. I've been living completely on my own the whole time, had no best friend in my town, had to make a whole new group of friends, and force myself to get past my hesitation and leap into the unknown. It's quite possibly been thing that could have ever happened to me.

Today I realized that my fear of being alone is gone. I don't have the sickness in my stomach anymore. Although, I will admit that it's not something I see in my near future, I would accept it. Putting myself in a hypothetical situation, I can actually visualize looking forward to it because of some of the positive things I have experienced this summer.

I finally feel independent. I feel like I have many outlets and not just one anymore. If one outlet blew, the others would back me up. It took a lonely summer to figure it out, and I am so glad it happened.

I've continuously been in a relationship the past 6 and a half years (not with the same person). People always told me, "You need time to be alone and be by yourself." I never really understood why. I get it, now. It's not a bad thing. Its making time to love yourself and enjoy yourself so that when someone else wants to enjoy YOU, YOU wont be an issue.

I just have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I can sense that my future is changing. Something is going to happen (if it already hasn't) and the wind in my sails is about to change. I have prepared and I have trained and I will face my challenge head on with a strength I didn't have before.

Don't be afraid. Just do it.

If my life were Harry Potter...

If my life were Harry Potter, Voldemort just decided to stop his nonsense and become Ghandi.

Do you know how good that feels? To feel the relief? The joy? The understanding? To feel the anger and frustration leave my body? I don't think I have felt this good about moving on from something ever!

I may have been last on the list and it may have been a text message I wish I could frame, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that does is that it happened and it was there and I am taking it as it is. Who can complain about that?

I feel light as a feather...like I finally feel complete. I can finally feel happy. It's so ridiculous and totally retarded that I needed such validation...but who ever said it was easy?

I am so thankful. :) I wish all of you the same feelings I feel today.

A way to bring money into your life!

Hey guys! I wanted to share something. It's taken me a few months to really get into it, but I believe it works! My mom taught me this, and now I am going to teach you!

This is a method used to bring money into your life. So far, its worked pretty well for me. Call what you want, but this really works! You have to believe in it!

Here's what you do:
You check out all the dollar bills you have (just ones). There will be a number on each like the ones circled here:

This is a number 11. Each dollar bill is numbered from 1-12. Your job is to find these through collecting and paying for stuff in cash. You cannot receive these from someone who knows this method, you must EARN them! 12 is the easiest to find. 3s, 8s, and I think 10s are hardest.

Once you've collected all 12, fold them up in order and store them in your wallet or purse so you don't use them. Their energy will bring you money! Try it for yourself and tell me what you think! :)

Evil.

I've lost this battle. I cannot do it anymore.

It was easy to think you could become insignificant to me. It was harder to actually treat it that way. I've pushed you out of my life as far as I could possibly reach hoping that one day all would cease to exist. I was hoping that maybe one day, everything would go away and apologies would be exchanged. Neither of those days has yet to come.

Instead of the situation ceasing to exist, some friends of mine have ceased to exist in my life. And a part of my relationship has ceased to exist. I've been pretending too long and been fighting too hard. It's unnecessary. It's exhausting. And I frankly cannot do it anymore.

You are not in my life and yet you still find a way to ruin it. It's like you've strategically planted a bomb and I can hear the ticking to detonation but the bomb is no where to be found. How do I rid myself of your evil? How many times must I cleanse? For how long do I have to campaign myself to my friends? For how long must the issue linger over my head in my relationship? What price do I have to pay to make you disappear? Why, in the first place, is it my price to pay?

You've turned people against me and for what cost to you? To make yourself look worthy? To win the body count? Well then, you've won. You've topped me. There is no longer a need to compete because there is no competing with you. You worm your way into everything and somehow come out successful in nearly everything you do. How is that? I have the hardest time wondering how anyone could see you in a good eye. You're murky. You're in slim light. You're true colors sometimes show but they are quickly covered with empty words. You're a shadow of a man.

I hold so much anger and frustration because of you. You make my life so difficult and I am so ready to see you leave this continent. To not walk on the same soil as you will be so relieving. But, alas, upon your return this will all resume because that's how you are. Evil.

And that says a lot, because I didn't believe in evil until I saw you.

California girls, we're undeniable ;)

So what's new with me? Well a whole damn lot, that's for sure!

This previous Monday, I got a tutoring gig for a maternity class. Here's the thing: I have never taken a maternity class, Ha! My friend hooked me up so that I can unofficially take this class while simultaneously tutor it. It's actually quite grand! I am enjoying every minute of it...as I want to be a midwife when I "grow up!" Its Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 8am-3pm for 2 weeks, so its already half way over! Sort of depressing...

Speaking of tutoring, I got my hours worked out with my professor again for the fall. I wont be tutoring as much Anatomy as I would like, but I've got some Physio hours, some more maternity hours, and I picked up a few hours reviewing Anatomy and Physiology with the Nursing students. Again...with that friend who hooks me up. ;)

At work, I am working between 35-40 hours a week. Sort of crazy exhausting, but its money and textbooks are expensive. Plus, Gio's is sort of fun. I enjoy messing around with all the co workers so it isn't too terrible. The tips have been great as there are lots of large order for companies and camps. No complaints there. Minus the fact my car has been giving me mild panic attacks because the "CHECK ENGINE" light comes on randomly. Yeah, RANDOMLY!

In the most important news, I started my belly dancing class today! It is FABULOUS! I will definitely be taking more classes with Alexandra. She is wonderful and I really dig her. We're working on American Tribal Style right now and we will be having a performance in December! Her advanced classes are coming up at UCSB and I hope to take those later in the fall. I've got a Serpentine video coming done by Rachel Brice that I hope to get me more prepared for the advanced ATS class. SO STOKED!

I really wish I could make it back to Tahoe before summer is over. I can't believe I start school so soon from now. It's already the 5th of August?! I don't believe it. Crap. That means I have bills to pay...

Busy, busy, busy! My life isn't filled with so much knitting anymore...it makes me sad. But belly dancing is opening me up again! I was on such a high after class tonight...all the zills and the moves and the music! I just feel like this fire was reignited within me! Even after just one class, I can feel totally different about myself. I feel increases in my confidence, my energy, my happiness...no wonder I have been so depressed these two years! I am finally taking the initiative and doing something for myself. Any of ya'll who can't keep up, well you will be left to eat my dust. :)

Ciao!

P.S. Check my Youtube channel for some of my random tid bits! :)
http://www.youtube.com/user/hunibuni121507

Helllllo, Youtube!

Let's see how this Youtube stuff works!

http://www.youtube.com/user/hunibuni121507

Let's play catch-up!

I am back from Chicago! I had an awesome time! I am glad I was there a whole week, there was so much to see! Joey and I had a wonderful time and we celebrated our 3 year anniversary! It was super romantic and I just had such a blast! I am bummed to be home, actually...

In other news, I have finished my own pair of fingerless gloves! They are delicious and aqua, my favorite color of all time! I am very happy with them!

Some knitting projects I have lined up:
~ Headband for Rusty
~ Headband for Tasha
~ Beanie for Joey
~ Fingerless gloves for Julian
~ 2 headbands to sell
~ Finish Heather's strap

PHEW! And school is a very short distance away! I can't believe I start on August 23rd! Freaking nuts! Speaking of...I also found out that I am sort of getting screwed in tutoring hours. There was a mix up and miscommunication and now my hours were given to someone else. I am really upset about it, mostly because it was going to be my main source of income. I am getting a huge raise this semester and I wasn't planning on spending most of my working hours at the pizza place. I love tutoring so much and it also breaks my heart that I wont be around the students as much as I would like to be. Definitely a huge downer on my day.

In other news, I am now the only female delivery driver at Gio's! My car is slowly dying on me so I am hoping that the boss with get a company car. But delivery drivers make a lot better money in tips, so I can't complain.  ;)

I've noticed that the theme this summer is "Leaving You In The Dark." There are just too many people (including myself) who have been victims of this terrible tragedy. It's silly, really. Someone wont respond to anything you send them but will talk to your boyfriend like its totally okay. Being fake. Then blocking me? What?! I have absolutely no idea why, but if that certain person is going to stoop to such a level, then why am I complaining about losing them in the first place? I guess they are a super-coward!

Anyway, it felt good to vent. That will be all for now.

P.S. TOTALLY ADDICTED TO THE OFFICE. I. JUST. CAN'T. STOP!

FINGERLESS GLOVES!!!!

Please visit my website:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/WarmAndFabulous

NEW LISTED ITEM ON ETSY!!!

Please visit my website:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/WarmAndFabulous

One in a Million

Today is one of those days where I hate everybody*.




*Everybody meaning despite a handful of friends and family who don't disappoint.



I have finally realized how the term "one in a million" pertains to my friends (I know...sooooo naive). And now I get why I am so cynical when it comes to trying to make friends. I have very few who actually pull through and the others are too selfish and lack common courtesy to waste my time with them.

Instead of complaining, I am just lucky I have those handful of people. The flakey ones make me realize how lucky I am to have them. I'd take 1 good friend than 100 acquaintances.

Here's some quotes I felt relate-able today:


"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
~ Walter Winchell 

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
~ Dale Carnegie

Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find one good you must one hundred try. ~ Claude Mermet

Happy Birthday, Sage!

A very special Happy Birthday to my nephew, Sage Dillon! He is turning two years old today! :) I love you, Sage! You're so big and handsome!

FIRST LISTED ITEM ON ETSY!

Please visit my Etsy website:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/WarmAndFabulous

Metro Girl

"Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn't mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage." 

Honey gives this novel 4 out of 5 stars!

"Loved the plot! Loved the characters! Loved the writing! Didn't love how Evanovich left out sexy details!"

Next book: 'Full Blast' by Janet Evanovich and Charlotte Hughs

Pleasant 4th of July!

Today had been an odd day. I enjoyed a BBQ at a friend of a friend's but left around 4 or 5. Nothing else to do, no idea where the Fireworks would be and didn't really care because the crowds would have been ridiculous anyway. I figured I would stay home, read my book and make some Fireworks of my own.

I had been reading for a few hours when I heard this BANG! BANG! BANG! It was alarmingly close to my building but I couldn't see anything. I snagged a jacket and went to investigate. I saw people pouring out of the different buildings in my complex sporting blankets as jackets. They were all heading in the same direction: the West Campus field. It is HUGE!

When I got there, there were many people either in clusters of families or cuddling in couples. There was still plenty of room for more people. Everyone had their own bubble around them. One group was blasting music from a radio.

I settled on a good spot and was pleasantly surprised to find our very own Fireworks show sprouting from Gershing Park; less than a mile away. I had the music to listen to and the show was great! It was perfectly long and the finale was compatible to that of Tahoe's famous. I thought to myself, "Despite the rocky day, I got my Fireworks after all..."

I sat alone, but really enjoyed the show. It's amazing how after 21 years of seeing Fireworks, I can still almost be brought to tears. Fireworks are timeless and simple and they bring people together for a ridiculous purpose. But hey, it's awesome!

I had a great time, but don't get me wrong. The loneliness has set in. No one to watch the Fireworks with and no phone call either. I know I need to make some friends, but I can't help but feel forgotten sometimes...

I hope everyone enjoyed their Fourth of July. I am off to finish my book and possibly knit. Goodnight!

P.S. My Facebook has been reincarnated!

Bye Bye Facebook!

Just letting everyone know that I have deactivated my Facebook account, hopefully temporarily. I don't feel comfortable having it at this moment, but I hope that will change shortly. Sorry for any inconvenience to anyone, as its inconvenienced me also. I am in Santa Barbara and if you need to get a hold of me, please email me:

hunibuni121507@yahoo.com

Thanks. :)

New Reads

I just finished this book and you MUST read it! I cried and laughed the whole way through! Very touching and will make you look deep inside yourself. :)

"The Last Time I Was Me" by Cathy Lamb (still haven't figured out any relation to Wally Lamb).

<3

Facebook is stupid. HA!

Can I just say that I believe Facebook (and those website affiliated with it) is going to be the doom of our society?

I know I sound like the biggest hypocrite ever for saying that, but there are people that I WANT to talk to via Facebook. People who are far away and I would like to catch up with every once in a while. That list has about ten people on it (not including family).

I don't care about mostly everyone else. Seriously.

It'd be nice to be SURPRISED at my high school reunion.

I wish I could just block everyone from seeing me, except for people I actually cared about.

Facebook, you are so darn frustrating. I hate you.

That is all. I just had to rant somewhere.

Spread love like violence!

If I had my own world
I'd love it for all that's inside it
There'd be no more wars, death or riots
There'd be no more police, packed parking lots
Guns, bombs sounding off



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDyH2tfADA4



EPIC. YOU MUST LISTEN TO ANGELS & AIRWAVES. They will change your life.

I love summer....ahhhhhh!

So I have literally opened up this page like 6 times, and couldn't come up with anything great enough to write down. I love being on summer vacation! My world seems so much less eventful! ;)

Well, My final report card was all As and 1 B. Physiology was that one B. BLAST! But, yet, that was still much better than I expected. I worked my butt off and I am happy with that score.

I'm at Gio's basically full time, now. This week I had 35 hours. Verrry nice. They are promoting me to a Lead (training will take all summer) and that will be interesting. Not sure if I will stick with it, but we will just have to see.

I've been cleaning and changing up the apartment since I have free time. I went out and got a beautiful ocean painting for Joey, some candles, a new shirt for myself, and some patio furniture. I spent a few days searching and there was nothing good, so I bought something brand new from CVS. It's really nice to have a table finally. Joey's dad is coming down to visit on Saturday so now he wont think we are cavemen. :)

I can finally read for pleasure! I am making a list of books to read over summer. I am starting with Cathy Lamb's "The Last Time I Was Me." Its great so far! I really like her style, I might even add her others books to the list if I enjoy this one so much. I've been trying to figure out if she has any relation to Wally Lamb (a personal favorite!) but there is NOTHING on these people! The only thing I have come up with is that they both are married to "unnamed people" and they both have 3 children. Coincidence? I think not.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention! I found out that I am ONE math class away from applying to the RN program. Yeah. I cried when I found this out. Now I have to take that math class in the Fall. :( So sad. But I still was able to apply for the LVN program which I did. Whichever I get into first I will go with. We will have to wait and see. Ugh. I feel like I have been waiting forever already!

What else? I am not sure there is much else to write about. But I must clean. Basically all the dishes in our kitchen are stacked to the ceiling because neither Joey nor I have had time to do them in 3 days. Vacuuming must be done and the bathroom is probably just crawling with E. coli and Serratia marcesen (thank you Micro!). I must attend to it before Tom gets in tomorrow...CIAO!

P.S. CONGRATS to my dear friend, Carole, who graduated from the WMC** Nursing program...and she's in her third trimester of pregnancy! YEAAAAAAAH, CHICKITA! :)

Blessed. :)

This past week, I am starting to feel truly blessed. :) It's been a while since I felt like that.

To begin, I earned the President's Honor Role for both Spring and Fall 2009 semesters and our ceremony was on Friday. That was fun! I got to introduce myself in front of a couple hundred people. I also found out that I received a $500 scholarship for next year. WOO HOO! Also, I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the Bio Department. It announced that I was nominated and able to receive an Award for "Outstanding Student of the Year" for my work with Anatomy. It was signed by Barry! Both of those awards ceremonies are this Friday. FINALLY, it feels like all this hard work and staying in instead of partying has paid off! :)

Joey and I are completely moved in to the new place! I absolutely love it! It's got this awesome back patio and tons of room! The area is quiet and surrounded by nature. It's got a feel to it that reminds me of home in Tahoe. I could get used to this! :)

Dead week is here! I can't believe the semester is already over! I am terribly sad! Then I have summer and I don't know what I am going to do with myself! Hopefully I can find a job and go home to Tahoe for a few weeks. Joey leaves soon for Chicago...breaks my heart.
But like I said, I feel truly blessed! I have an amazing Mommy (in regards to Mommy's Day yesterday), and awesome academic career (finally!), awesome friends (Julian, YOU ROCK!) and a really cool boyfriend. I hope I stay on top for a while. :)

I smell change...

Don't get me wrong. I've been needing and WANTING to update for weeks! It's just been so crazy busy and ridiculous that I haven't had the time (nor the energy) to update. Lots has been going on!

With school: I got honored into the President's Honor Role and the ceremony is next Friday. WOO! Physiology is kicking my butt and I am working SO HARD to get it! We have our last Micro exam before the Final on Monday and I am pulling my hair out trying to study for it! I am working so hard for school and it just seems like nothing is really going my way. Straight A's are going to be impossible this semester. :(

With home: Joey and I got a place last minute at Family Housing. Move in date is on Tuesday. I found a guy to sublet from us starting on Wednesday. It's been nuts trying to juggle everything. I've been packing little by little each day and I am so stressed! We are picking up a uHaul tomorrow and packing it up because we are too busy to work on it Monday or Tuesday. I've been working my ass off trying to take care of so many things. I feel like I am wearing thin. I don't even have time for happiness and doing something fun for myself. Joey and I tried to go the fair on Thursday night but it didn't end well for us. To top it off, my car went "kaput" today. The "new" battery wont hold a charge and keep my car running. Right when I am going to need this damn thing the most...FOR THE MOVE! I am freaking out!

I am counting the minutes until summer. I am so happy to be done and not have school or homework or studying or anything for 3 whole months! Yes, I will be working, but I will actually have FREE TIME! What is free time? Right now, it's watching a movie when I get an hour or two between headaches (study sessions). I haven't even knit in almost 3 weeks. My body hasn't seen the sun yet...isn't that pathetic?

There's been a lot of drama these past few weekends on top of it. I am just so sick and tired of trying anymore. I feel unmotivated and like I want to give up. I feel as if I am changing again and I need something different...something new. I just feel weird. I don't know how to explain it.

I am sad about leaving this apartment. I am sitting here now, home alone looking at all our packed boxes. This is going to be the last night we are sleeping in our bed in this apartment. All the big furniture gets packed away tomorrow. The walls are bare, the rooms echo. There are a lot of memories in these walls...both good and bad. Both wanting to remember and wanting to forget. It's been a challenge in this apartment. I am not sure what the next will bring but I am not sure I am ready for it. I haven't even had the chance to THINK about all this until now. It's over. "Mine and Joey's first apartment" is about to be over. I keep playing this montage of memories in my head like a movie...

Life, you are becoming very complicated. I don't like it. Can't you just do what I say? Don't mess things up for me. I can't handle it right now. I feel as if I could easily tear with just another small stretch...

It's a Metaphor, Fool

I think that I can safely say that minus a day or two, this past Spring Break was one of the worst weeks of my life. I drove 8 hours after tutoring Friday night and didn’t get in to Tahoe until 3am. It was nice to be home and driving at night definitely felt like it went by fast but man is that a long drive! I got to see Joey for that one night and the next morning my mom made us all a huge homemade breakfast.

After that, things started to kind of go downhill. The housing thing was still such a mess. I broke out in hives twice from the stress, of which has NEVER happened to me before. That’s how I knew things weren’t good. I couldn’t get the issue off my mind (and yes, I am being vague for a reason. If you know the story, good for you. If you don’t, don’t ask). I waited so long to hear what the answer was going to be. And then there it was. And the decision was up to him. It was a hard decision for him and I respect that. I never wanted him to feel like he had to chose, but he needed to look at the concrete evidence and learn from the past.

But on my side, I was skeptical. Did he choose it out of guilt or genuity? Would I be left to pay for his choice if I did not walk on egg shells for the rest of my life? I had so many questions and even though I was very happy with the decision, I had my doubts and basically because I am a woman with a vagina, I cannot speak of those doubts without becoming emotional and sounding like a normal human being (P.S. welcome to the crazy world of women).

While in Tahoe, I ran into some friends of Joey’s and an ex boyfriend. I had a really good time bowling with a big group of people and hanging out at a party including the forementioned. From one friend, I heard some things were said about me behind my back that were not flattering. From the other, well let’s just say there was unnecessary drama. Later that night, it was all on my mind and if I didn’t get it off, my mind was going to EXPLODE. Unfortunately for Joey, my mind did indeed explode in an emotional, dramatic, hemorrhage over the phone. It took about 2 hours between detonation and repair. Unfortunately for me, a friend was at Joey’s the whole time and when that’s one of the few things a stranger is exposed to, it makes them become judgmental. Although, if you are already judgmental, then the next step is to become egotistical; which is in fact what happened.

Then on Friday, I drove in the middle of a huge snow storm and rainstorm all the way back to SB after an already hectic morning. I got in at 1:30am, right when Joey’s drunk posse arrive to crash. Not a problem with me, but where the eff was my drunken boyfriend? I couldn’t sleep all night. Not a single friend knew where he was. I called both hospitals and the jail and luckily no one had him. By 6am, I was sick of laying in a cold bed and staring at the ceiling listening to the whole lot snoring in the living room. I got up, dressed and took a walk to Darius’ and then to Kip’s. I went and sat by the park next to Kip’s house and listened to the ocean. IV was dead and that was how I liked it. I like feeling alone in the morning with only the sound of the ocean and the smell of salt. I looked out about a mile from Pesky’s and then saw a whale jump out of the water. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I thought I was delirious from being awake for 24 hours but then I saw several blow holes and Mother Nature and I had a moment.

I walked back shortly after and Joey strolled in at 8am. I was so relieved to see him safe and alive, but that feeling lasted shorter than the rage I had built up from coming all the way down here for his birthday just to be blown off. It took me a few hour’s nap to get over it. Then all of us hung out all day with Joey for his birthday. We came home in the afternoon and I took a nap so I could hang out with him all night. When I woke up, I called Joey to see where he was. He must’ve drunk as many drinks as he was old because he couldn’t even tell me. His friend came on the phone and he was of the same inebriation. And of course, the little shit started drama on Joey’s godamn birthday. How sweet.

Anyway…draaaaammmmmaaaa ensued. I eventually found them and made a fool of myself trying to reason with two of the drunkest people I had ever met. But that’s what you do when you love someone and their best friend is telling them lies and superficial judgments about you. Doesn’t even matter if the stories are true, NO ONE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO DO THAT IF THEY AREN’T PART OF THE RELATIOSHIP. I told him to back off for about fifteen minutes. He didn’t listen, so I punched him in the face. Damn near the best I ever felt. About 15 minutes later, it was settled (between at least Joey and me) and we go to another party where we have a bunch of friends. Word travels fast though the mouths of Tahoe because upon arrival, I was either a) congratulated, b) thanked or c) told I was envied I got to do it first. I was starting to almost feel ashamed and sorry until I heard those statements. It’s now replaced the thought of Zach Braff naked as my mental happy place.

Basically, I am only saying these things because you said some pretty fucked up shit to me and the truth always comes out when you are drunk. I don’t care if you’re pissed that I posted this. I haven’t named names (although at this point word has traveled so fast that everyone probably already knows). You FUCKED me. I know you read my blog because you told me. You also told me that you check my transcripts somehow (creepy!) of which you had so much insight to my intelligence level. The only reason I think you said all those terrible things is because you are an insecure child behind a narcissistic façade. You really have to tear people down to try to make yourself look so much better, but you’re nothing but a piece of shit who tries to make himself seem worthy through his choice in diet and saying no to pot. If you care about the earth so much then treat people with respect, shut your fucking mouth, and find a fucking hobby that doesn’t include getting shitfaced drunk every weekend. I have always thought you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever met (and I have met a lot of them throughout the years). For a short moment in time, I stood up for you and actually called you “the most generous person I know.” Proved me wrong! But I will no longer look like a fool because of you. I feel sorry for you, you know that? I wish I could say that I have high hopes for you one day becoming a better person, but I won’t hold my breath. Maybe you will and prove me wrong, but after this is posted, you become insignificant to me. I don’t care what you say and I don’t care how you feel but if you ever come between one of my relationships again, my fist will no longer be employed, but instead my knee into your balls.

All you are to me is dead skin, flaking off my hands onto the pavement.
It’s a metaphor, fool.

P.S. Happy Easter.

Peace, Love and Ostara!

Life is all coming together once more! Last weekend, I had my Pagan meet up with Teal again and we performed an Ostara Ritual. Ostara is our Spring Equinox holiday that celebrates the coming of new things of which you have manifested. It is the time for change in a new direction and time to start fresh! I have never felt any better! During the ceremony, we each took a pinecone and burned it in the Bale Fire to represent what we wanted to let go of ourselves. I thought of everything you have been reading in my past posts and my pinecone lit up and fired like a jet airplane! One of the members looked at me and said, "WOW! What did you put IN that thing?!" HAHA! NO MORE DEPRESSION!!!!

Things are still looking up. I have definitely been happier. I am trying to do new things and look at the world a little differently. It's working and I am very proud of myself. I am juggling a lot right now.

As for school, on Wednesday I had my Hematology Lab for Physiology. We all had to prick our finger and find out what blood type we were, check our Hematocrit and also take a sample on a slide and look at all of our own cells on a Microscope! HOW COOL IS THAT?!! I have never known my blood type but my mom always thought that I was O. To my surprise, I ended up being A+! It was so exciting finding that out, but it feels so weird because I always thought I was O! It was a weird feeling, like finding out you are adopted. HAHA! But then I got to see my cells under the microscope. We would get extra credit if we could find any Basophils or Eosinophils (types of WBCs) and I found a Basophil! It was very exciting because they are rare! Looking at my own blood felt like looking at myself in the mirror! It was incredibly cool!

Also, I ended up Acing that Micro midterm I took! WOO HOO! How exciting is that?! I still have yet to find out my Physiology midterm, she is taking forever to grade them! BLAH!

Anyway, tutoring is going great. I taught the forearm this week and that was my achilles heal when I was taking the class! I have such a blast tutoring...all the students call me a nerd. HAHA!

Joey has been in Tahoe all week and I miss him so much! I am driving home tonight after I am done tutoring and I can't wait to get there! I wonder how Precious is going to react since she has been living with me in SB for a while? I just can't wait! I have so much studying to do and I have a paper to write for Pathophysiology but luckily I can write it on Ventricular Septal Defects, which is what I have! I am excited to write it, actually...haha!

Hope everyone's Spring Break is lovely and filled with warmth. The earth is quivering and awake! :)

Peace and Love!

Bottom's up!

Life has CONSUMED ME! But I am fine. I popped out alive after the past few weeks I have been having. Last Wednesday (also known as Brutal Wednesday because I am in school from 9-9 with only an hour break) I had two HUGE midterms. One was for my Microbiology Lab and it was the most excrutiating midterm I have ever taken in my whole life. I would much prefer to get shot in the vagina 8 times before ever taking that stupid midterm ever again. Then, later that day, I had a Physiology midterm and as you may know, I have a very low grade in that class because I BOMBED the first midterm. The pressure was up and the anxiety even higher. It was a rough week.

Tomorrow, I had my first Pathophysiology midterm due. I am nervous. Its an online class and it has been open book most of the time but not this midterm. Ugh! I just wish I could be on Spring Break already, but I don't have mine until NEXT WEEK! And even then, I have to write a research paper during that time for this stupid online class. How irritating is that?!

Work is still going well. I love tutoring and I am only working 1 day at Gio's. It's very nice that Ixchelle and Matt have been nice enough to let me request my wishes. It's great and I am very fortunate.

In the love news: things are on the up once again! I've really been trying hard to change my attitude this week. I've been so rotten and negative since August. It's terrible. Joey told me that he doesn't think he wants to live with me next year because of how horrible I have made it for him. That was the hardest news I have ever had to hear in my whole life because it was true. I'd die if I lost him. And to think that he has been so unhappy because of my rotten attitude just makes me want to run and jump off the biggest cliff! But of course, instead of doing that, I am going to work my ass off to be happier and make this last semester together enjoyable for the both of us. Doing this is not only for him because I don't enjoy being such a sour puss. Its been a very productive week everything is going great. Now he is up in Auburn with his pops visiting for his Spring Break. I think these two weeks apart will be good for us but I am still very sad that right when things turn for the better, we can't spend time with each other. I am trying to pull myself out of this rut I have put myself into. When I am alone, its so hard to concentrate and study because the haunting thought of my own boyfriend/roommate not wanting to live with me next year is enough to make me physically sick (and it has). He deserves so much and I am so afraid its too late for me to make it up to him. I am TERRIFIED that if I make one tiny mistake that the whole relationship will fall apart and there is nothing we can do to repair it. Every night I have nightmares about losing him...some nights its more than one. I don't know how to make these thoughts go away!

I have a constant ache in the pit of my stomach. I need to get my act together because 10-20 years from now, I am going to regret so much! Not only losing the best thing that has ever happened to me, but losing my fun, losing my youth and losing the times I could be happy instead of being depressed.

"Ten to twenty years from now, you are going to regret more of what you DIDN'T do, than what you DID do."

Bottom's up!

Figures dancing gracefully across my memory...

Life has been a whirlwind! I've had so many tests, quizzes, homework assignments and study sessions that I think my head will explode! I am realizing the effects of taking all these ridiculous classes together in a single semester...

On a happier note, this last Friday I was officially inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society at SBCC. This is a HUGE moment for me! I've spent a lot of my life not being a "academic" person, so to be inducted is an incredible feeling! The society hosts many events and later this month they host a bowling night to get the know other members. I am hoping to make some good friends there.

I am still working very hard in school. I am working hard for tutoring and even at Gio's. Life has been very stressful, so when I recently got my Tax Return, I went and bought a new Samsung netbook. I am in LOVE WITH IT! I take it everywhere and the battery lasts forever, so its great! It's so nice to take it to Physiology lectures and study on the bus and I am just so in love! :) It is fabulous! I definitely recommend getting one if you are ever curious!

Things with the love life are interesting. Its a definite roller coaster. It was good, then it was bad, and now its good again. I think we've finally gotten to the point (and the problem) and we are trying to work things out. Its very hard, though, I do have to admit. It feels like trying to rebuild a marriage. But for me, its worth it because what we had (once upon a time) was stuff you only hear about in movies.

Anyway, just wanted a little update. I am going to go finish studying for a Micro Lab quiz I have tomorrow on all sorts of testings, media and bacterial results. It is very frustrating...

Ciao!

Worthless.

Well, it seems that I was notified of my relationship status through Facebook. Joey and I are no longer together. Its probably for the better because we can't seem to get along these days. We haven't actually hung out in months. Its always saying one thing and doing another. It's so hard to know which is the truth. It's really hard and the only thing I can think of doing right now is crying or throwing up.

I just feel so alone. I really wanted to go to this Stand-Up Comedy show tonight for free at UCSB and I've invited about 5 or 6 people. Only 1 has responded and she can't come. The other's haven't said anything.

I am so desperate to make friends. Why does it seem so hard to do here? Its really shooting down my self esteem. Is there anything to like about me? I can't even tell anymore...

I feel worthless today. That's all.

Very sad.

This is a very sad day for me.

Instead of studying, I just spent an hour trying to retrain my body to do all my old belly dances. And I am still very, VERY, sick.

I thought it would make me feel better because I have been missing it so, but now I am just frustrated, tired and can't stop hacking.

Very sad day, indeed.

Sick.

I've apparently got this cold/flu hybrid thing. Its awful and I am miserable. I had to miss school all day Wednesday and tutoring yesterday and today. Totally sucks.

In other news, it looks like we may have found a promising place to live next year. Breakpointe in IV is cheap for a two bedroom and has an incredible amount of bonus features. It's a 92 unit complex which means that I will HAVE to make friends. Check it out:

conquesthousing.com

That's all for now. Just wanted to update a little because I am sick and stuck to my couch.

& the world spins madly on...

Life has been busy, as you can tell by the lengthy amount of time I haven't updated.

SCHOOL: is hardddd! But Physiology is becoming harder than Micro...strange? We had a quiz in Micro last week and I got ALL the hard math problems right and bombed all the Microscope identifications. Kind of a bummer, but also pretty funny at the same time. I am enjoying school though. But its going to damn near kill me.

FAMILY: Kai Kai came down to visit last Friday. She left last night. It went by so fast! But I am so glad she came. We had such a good time hanging out together. I miss her so much and it makes me so happy to know that she is moving down here with us. Hanging out in IV with her made me realize that it isn't so bad. She likes going to the beach and watching the sunsets and I never do that, so I felt like she brought that out of me. She didn't go to any parties while she was down here so its also good to know that she has the same home-body mentality as me. I think we've decided to try and live in the 6800 block of IV in a 2 bedroom house (Holly is thinking about joining us). She is going to be the best roommate everrr!

KNITTING: I made Kylie a camera case! It's awesome! I made it in about an hour, so I am getting pretty damn good at this shizzah! I'm also about half-way done with Audrey's hat. Its coming along nicely. She chose a very luxurious red yarn. Kylie and Holly ordered another 3 headbands so I am finally busy with knitting once more! It's just juggling that and school. When I should study the most is when I want to knit the most.

PERSONAL: While Kylie was in town, we spontaneously got new piercings at 'Precious Slut' in IV. She got her right tragus done and I got my helix done. I forgot before we went that I had taken two ibuprofen for my neck stitch from sleeping and when he pierced me, I gushed blood. Freaked him out! It was funny though. But damn, it hurt! WAY more than my own tragus. And Precious, my cat, accidentally kicked me in the ear last night and I started gushing blood all over again. It was awful! The pain made me want to throw up.

Everything with Joey is going more smoothly. We've both been so on edge with the combination of school, work, figuring out housing for next year amongst random other topics. But having Kylie visit really balanced me out, it felt like. Joey and I celebrated Valentine's Day downtown at Pascucci's (of course!) and we had a really good time. It's the first date we've been on in forever! I think we need to go on more dates.

That is all the update I have time for, I guess, other than the fact that my wallet is very light-weight these days. But thats a given...ha! Enjoy your day!

...

To sum it all up:

-I haven't been able to sell a single knit item.
-Financial Aid took away my Pell Grant because they changed my major from 'Nursing' to 'CNA' and apparently, its "nonfundable."
-I am swimming in homework and I think I may drown.
-Rain is supposed to be cleansing, but lately, it brings me sadness.
-My living situation next year is a gigantic mess. I think I may be going it alone (well...I do have Precious...).
-The constant 'shitty' feeling has been looming over my head again. All week.
-Trying to make friends in my classes. It just proves that I am too far away and no one wants to hang out with me.
-I've realized Dr. Tanowitz is like my closest friend. I basically tell him everything. It feels like he is the only one who even asks or cares.

Physically and mentally, I feel like I should explode into a million pieces. My skin is crawling. I feel stuck again.

"One day can change your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is is three or four big days that change everything." -Beverly D'Onofrio

Current Forecast...

Yesterday I had my first experiments in Lab for Microbiology. We took samples from dozens of different objects (cutting boards, sponges, door handles, water fountain bowls, stair railings, paper money, coins, fingernails, etc) and are incubating them until tomorrow morning. We will find out how dirty all those things REALLY are...ew. Absolutely disgusting. I also found out that the average $100 bill not only had cocaine on it, but SEMEN! YEAH! -.-;

This past weekend was quite explosive. I am basically just retarded. And I don't get along with people. And Joey's friends think we'd be better off if we broke up which has got me bumming out. But who can blame them when all they hear is Joey complaining about me? How did it get that way? We're trying to figure out housing and whether or not we'll stay together for next year. I want to live closer to my school or at least compromise and get out of IV. I think its about time to move on but it isn't as easy as just talking it out, I guess.

I've sort of slipped back into the depression. At least I have Anatomy to hold on to. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have tutoring.

Hey, I am also trying to sell my knitting. For some reason, Financial Aid gave me half of the money I normally get so I need money NOW and FAST! Please support me if you could use the extra headband/hat! It's all personalized! Look me up on Facebook under: KnitHuni or www.myspace.com/aquamarinetopaz

Thanks for tuning in. Until next time...

One is the Lonliest Number...

I really need a girlfriend (my own age) down here to whisk me away when I need to escape.

I can't be going up to Oakland every weekend to see Pru. It just doesn't work like that.

I am counting the minutes until my sister comes to visit me...

My Fun.

First week of school went really well. I've been in an unusually optimistic mood all week (until tonight, of course, but we'll get to that later). Wednesdays are brutal. 2 labs, both 3 hours, a 3 hour lecture and another normal lecture. 9am to 9pm, back to back to back to back. But it's fun! School is fun for me now. Micro is SUPER hard, but everything we will learn pertains to my interest. Same goes for both Physiology and Pathophysiology. I honestly think Gym will be my hardest class.

Tutoring is great! I have all 3 of Barry's labs and I am also running the Friday open lab again. Each lab, I have been so into helping people that I look at the clock and feel sad when it's over. I feel like I could tutor and teach the new students for days on end without feeling tired. I feel great. I feel like it's filled a void in my life that I have been missing forever.

Gio's asked me to come back for one day a week. CHEAP PIZZA! That was my downfall and why I am taking the Gym course this semester...

I feel like I have got it all together. I've got my study group who are all taking the same classes as me and we have the same fun when learning. Precious is doing so well in my apartment. She's not afraid of noises anymore and was actually eating grass and chasing lizards outside today! I am so happy to see her when I come home. It is definitely helping the depression that I have been in for the past 6 months.

That is...all up until tonight.

It's amazing how one person who you don't even care about can make optimism shrink to the size of a pea in just a few sentences. I really don't like being criticized for hating IV, not finding partying every weekend to be awesome and being called an old lady. Okay, so I call myself an old lady, but for jokes. It doesn't feel as good when someone else calls you an old lady and rolls their eyes at you.

I try, but I simply don't get along with people my age, I guess. Almost all the people I actually enjoy hanging out with are older. Or have the same interests as I do: like school. School is fun for me. I don't think it torture. I really enjoy learning.

Maybe it's because I was never a "stellar" student in high school. I skid by just to graduate and somehow got a 3.0 out of that. I've found my stride. I feel smart for the first time in my whole life. I've found something I love (and something I don't love). I don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect and unkindness that these people (and generally Isla Vista) treat me. I am so ready to break up, move on and live somewhere where I can enjoy my own space and not hear college kids screaming, banging against things, blasting music and car alarms ALL THE EFFING TIME. I'M JUST OVER IT!!!!

I think that's all I should put for now. It's already too much and I just needed to vent. I am going to go knit now. My cat and my old lady habits have more important things to do than to get shit faced and fucked up everyone Thursday thru Saturday.

YOU'RE PAYING FOR THIS EDUCATION, SO FUCKING USE IT.

In Your Reflection, He Lives in You.

Yesterday, I wanted to do something nice inside on the rainy day. So I took out my knitting, snagged a blanket, and popped in 'The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride.' I thought the moment wasn't complete enough, so I packed a very small bowl of Tahoe grown green.

Almost immediately, I felt that familiar pang in my stomach. It was calling: "FOOOOD!" I marched over to the fridge. I took out a slice of American cheese. I folded it up into tiny squares to eat and turned around to watch the whole first scene of the movie.

Obviously, being as obliterated as I was, watching the whole first scene was quite the experience. I couldn't get over how powerful and connected to nature I felt. Then I started to laugh. I was all by myself in my apartment with my cheese, knitting and the Lion King 2 laughing hysterically.

It then occurred to me: why is this illegal in the United States?

I believe the government's main argument is that they want to suppress all laughter.

Rotten bastards.

Stay warm. Stay dry.

Well, I am back from the riveting South Lake Tahoe. What more is there to do than to wake 'n bake, eat junk food and make crafts? Tahoe is dead. But regardless, I had a lot of fun. It's the people you surround yourself with that make all the difference. My best friend is my escape, my sister is always there for me and my cat's purr lulls me to sleep every night. This is home.

I've really gotten good at knitting. I've made almost a half a dozen of those headbands. I've got a beanie to make Joey still. It's been great! I wish I had this much time to knit when school started.

Speaking of, I didn't get that Luria Library Scholarship. HUGE bummer. I used the $200 gift card my dad gave me and bought 2 of my 4 books. They were used. Damn, school is expensive!

It's monsoon rains down here in Santa Barbara. It's dumping snow in Tahoe. My mom's down here with me. She heads back tomorrow. It's scary thinking of her driving in this weather all by herself. Make me nervous.

Apparently, we had a tornado on the 6800 block of DP. Yep. Blew my mind out of the water, too!

I've brought Precious down to Santa Barbara with me. So far, she is acting real skiddish. First time in her life she has ever been that way. Things are looking okay, though. She has warmed up a lot since Monday night. I hope she likes it. If not, I have to take her home. I feel bad I tore her away from the only home she has ever known. I hope she will eventually forgive me for that.

I've got my job back at Gio's. One day a week. Not sure when yet. Matt still has to call and let me know. Lots of scholarships and financial aid stuff to apply for this week before school. Once school starts, my immune system will slowly begin to decline due to increased stress levels. Let's root for another 4.0 semester, yeah?!

Stay warm. Stay dry. Ciao.

COSTA RICA!!!!

I am finally back in the United States! Woo hoo!

Costa Rica was amazing! We spent 3 weeks treking around the whole country. We landed in San Jose and hung out for a few days. San Jose is much like LA. BIG city with lots of people and corporate businesses. It's also scary at night. The taxi drivers are maniacs. They fly through stop signs and red lights like it's nobody's business. It's like being on a roller coaster. INSANE! We stayed at Hostel Bekuo and met up with a British lad. We invited him to Monteverde with us.

Then we headed up to Monteverde in the Cloud Forest for my birthday! It was so beautiful! We stayed in this wonderful cabin from Cabinas Valle Campanas. Beautiful family! Rayna is a wonderful hostess and I highly recommend staying there if you ever visit! She recommended the best for us. We hiked up through the Cloud Forest and saw so much wonderful rain forest! On my birthday, we went Zip Lining through the Cloud Forest and it was the biggest rush of my life! LOVED it! We also visited a Bat Museum and got to see all the different species that live in Costa Rica. Monteverde was one of my favorites!

After Monteverde, we took a private shuttle with the Brit to Brasilito on the Pacific Coast just north of Tamarindo. That's when it got HOT! I thought I was melting! Brasilito was fun! Our room was right on the ocean (literally, the beach was on the other side of the street in front of our door). Joey got to surf a bit on Playa Grande. I tried, but panicked in the water (open water terrifies me!). I collected WAYYY too many seashells. Near the end of the day, I got some excellent shots of the sunset. I also put on 4 applications of sunscreen but got SOOO sunburnt. We were going to try and wake up late at night to watch a Leatherback come ashore and lay her eggs, but it proved to be quite an expensive task. Regardless, Brasilito was fun, but at the end of the trip, the Brit decided to part ways and head to Tamarindo while we went to Montezuma.

Montezuma was next and it was so great! It is this tiny little town, only 2 blocks long and it's on the tip of the northern peninsula. The nearest police station was 20 miles away (20 miles is quite a bit when there are only dangerous dirt roads leading to everywhere) so the town was pretty liberal. We stayed up the road smack in the jungle in this Hostel-style hotel names Luna Llena. BEAUTIFUL view and hotel. I woke up to monkeys on the deck one morning. Iguanas try to catch sunlight on the roofs of all the buildings but they are made out of metal so the Iguanas can be quite loud and frightening if you don't know what they are. Luna Llena was so beautiful. Joey surfed at another Playa Grande and we hiked to beautiful waterfalls. We had a great time! :)

Next up was a ferry across the channel to get to Turrialba. Turrialba is east of San Jose, so it was quite the day of travel. Turrialba is a little like San Jose, but a lot smaller and with more wildlife surrounding the town. It's not very touristy so the prices were very reasonable with souvenirs and other things. Veronica taught me how to knit there which was so fun! I love knitting now! Turrialba is also known for their coffee which is SO DELICIOUS! We bought lots while we were there. We also went White Water Rafting on the Pacuare for a full day. It brought back so many memories of my Dad! I had such a good time!

After a couple days there, we went to Puerto Viejo on the Caribbean for Christmas! We were staying at Rocking J's hostel and had rented out J's Palace for three days over Christmas. It was the most magnificent house I have ever seen! J (founder of Rocking J's) had built the whole thing himself. It was loaded with tiled mosaics, incredible artwork, hammocks and little flairs of the Caribbean! As he was showing us around, he gave us a complimentary joint. WELCOME TO THE CARIBBEAN! :) Rocking J's was an experience alone. I could write a book about it, but you'll just have to check my Facebook and see pictures...or go there yourself! Puerto Viejo was a typical Caribbean town. Vendors everywhere. Rasta everywhere. Jamaican weed EVERYWHERE! Joey and I had some (hello! Jamaican weed in the Caribbean? A genius wouldn't turn that down!). It was a very fun high. :)

During the last few days we had free, Darius, Shane, Larissa, Veronica and Ross (the Brit! We met up with him again) all wanted to head to Panama for a few days. I really didn't want to go because we had been so active and busy for the last few weeks that I just wanted to sit in the Caribbean at Rocking J's and do absolutely nothing. Panama was a little too spontaneous for me, so we split up. Joey stayed with me and the others went to Panama. Joey and I had fun the last few days in Puerto Viejo. We spent wayyyy too much money shopping for our families, we spent one morning at an animal reserve playing with baby Howler monkeys, and rode bikes all the way to Punta Uva where we snorkled in Emerald colored waters! :) It was very nice and relaxing...just what a vacation should be!

Nearing the end, we headed back to San Jose and reunited with the others. The others had a great time in Panama and came back with Ross. We had one last 'hoorah' at Club Vyrus, the bar we stopped at on our first night where everyone enjoyed Cuckrochas. We said our goodbyes and departed on December 31st 6am Costa Rican time. Joey and I walked into our apartment at 11:15pm Californian time (1:15am Costa Rican time). Twas a long day.

I am so happy I went to such a beautiful place. It was challenging for me to be so far away from my family and miss them so much over the holidays but I am still so happy I went. I really want to go back and see what I missed another time (not during the holidays!). I miss the warmth and patience that everyone seemed to bestow. I am relieved to see everything in English again, but a part of me misses trying to talk to everyone in my broken Spanish (also, warning: not as many people speak English as you would think!).

PURA VIDA!